the last two days i've been hit by a wave of nausea and prickly heat that comes from the pit of my stomach and bowels and spreads up to my forehead and fingertips. and then it passes. 

this morning mister had a new rope toy. the last rope toy was surgically removed from his stomach with 12 inches of intestine, almost killing him. i felt a giant wave of incomprehension, and rage. 

i'm reminded of when we were boys, every boy had a gun, and the parents said, they're boys, it's what they want, we give them what they want. my toy love of guns culminated with a bb gun i begged for. i remember the bird on a telephone wire, singing. i remember pulling the trigger, the song ending, the bird still, at my feet. i remember the bereft feeling. they say beware of what you want. but a dog can't. they want what we give them.

so what should i do? i feel there is a continuum here, something incomprehensible going on that is deadly to freedom, but deadly, moreover, to being. what the fuck are we doing here? what are we allowing to be done to us? 

i know it's a long stretch, from a rope toy to a boy gun to trump, but i know, and everyone knows in their secret heart, it's all connected, and we have to find the connection.

yet i have to say also that he's not my dog. and if she wants to kill him i can't really stop it. but i will in conscience fight for his life as it were my own.