a new friend was curious how it felt to know she had read the blog with it's content embarrassing. i said, i don't know, it's like it's always embarrassing, but less embarrassing than i feel otherwise, in secret.
but it's supposed  to be about things that humiliate me, 
and scare me
(& thrill me and make me swoon and convulse with unspeakable pride).

but i kind of forget,
like it's in there now, 
a kind of alternate here.
an alternative place of me. 
i'm somewhat detached.

after she's gone, i wonder what she means.