i never know what to say or what to think about then stuff just rushes in out of nowhere i don't even read or watch the news that void just fills up and i have to drain it i'm not apologizing i don't want to think about this stuff or talk about it trump is just the expression of the inexpressible contempt of humans this shit from politicians mouths this evil war it's in the air it was ever thus but i'm sorry for mom suddenly surrounded by trumpets she thought were just regular folk i'd rather just be a dreaming dog.

maybe it's not the world
maybe the world is not even a world
maybe i just have faulty wiring
maybe i'm just not wired for this world
maybe i'm wired for another world that doesn't exist yet or did once
maybe this world that isn't real was built on top of the world that exists and is killed over
 

that's why i'm a dogwalker so i can think of these things not on company time.

but if i was a somebody not just anybody then i wouldn't be here with  fen it would be impossible because here i am with  fen making perfect sense. because of my faulty wiring, ha.

i could only say this to a bug, not because a bug is so discrete but because a bug is so symathetic. i was embarrassed and ashamed as well as frightened with my faulty wiring around my dad. and i was rather like a bug in his world come to think. and anyway wasn't my faulty wiring caused by him? it's his fault i'm a bug in the system that i live off grid.