i was writing this in response to my friend ana, but i just wanted to post it— i get more distracted and anxious when i don't read, so i keep reading, as i've done to quell anxiety since i was little. i'm thankful i no longer numb myself with alcohol. i refill my phone at a palestinian store, and my friend there always cheers me up. i think he sees the long view. he sees israel failing, and palestine eventually free. also i'm watching watermelon pictures. the encampments is streaming, though the encampments have been broken up. maybe we have global virtual encampments. we can't stop it, but i agree with my friend, the zionist project has been revealed, and it's gone too far. the world is turning against israel. it's collapsing.

what are you reading now? i'm reading nine minds, inner lives on the spectrum, if it's good, otherwise i'll try treekeepers, or thrilled to death. i'd like to know where i fall on the spectrum. what are you reading? 

i'm rereading the kite runner, waiting for if i must die.

word.

 the killers can't stop killing, though they get other killers to do the killing, they don't mind if the whole world knows, they're psychotic killers, they just love killing, and they want to see how far they can go. 

 boycott, divest & sanction. free palestine.

 the fabled american dream is collapsing before our eyes and under our feet.

 i hoped against hope our kestrel would stay. life is precarious these days.

 under the noise there is silence, under the buildings there is ground.

 the u.s. is committing a holocaust in gaza. who will stop us?

 

zionism must be defeated. palestine must be freed.

https://www.youtube.com/live/W_aLtDrDDLc

 we used to think of apocalypse as the final conflagration, but it's just the process of revealing what nature means, to us, and what is our part in the process. the other meaning, the finality, that could be the end of us, but the apocalypse would not stop, with or without us.

 only life.

 moral life starts in vulnerability.   annette baier

 our kestrel's gone again. since before the dust storm. i'm reading into the abyss. the feeling of disgust is kin to the feeling looking down, the inside fall. the impulse, the fear, the wish, tragic hope, meeting in the groin, and then a thermal comes, and we are lifted up again, swooning.

 there are lots of things happening to us whether we believe in them or not.

anthony david, into the abyss

 my sister didn't close their windows in time either, but my brother probably did. 

We are tumbling backwards in time to our origins, origins that never left us, but origins that were masked by empty promises of democracy, justice and human rights.

The genocide in Gaza is part of a pattern. It is the harbinger of genocides to come, especially as the climate breaks down and hundreds of millions are forced to flee to escape droughts, wildfires, flooding, declining crop yields, failed states and mass death. It is a blood-soaked message from us to the rest of the world: We have everything and if you try and take it away from us, we will kill you. 

Chris Hedges

The New Dark Age

 i did a bad thing not closing the windows. i looked at this thing coming, and i saw it, but like the natives when the colonizers ships arrived, i saw, but didn't see, in a way, because i had never seen such a thing before, and my mind didn't know what it was, like with the natives, til too late, although there's no comparison really, i could have just gone oh, shit, and closed the windows.  i didn’t actually know until after it subsided and i read a post on fb, and later still saw the warning on my phone. hard to think in this unprecedented time. at the farmer’s market fred said he was driving and everything turned black. maybe there's another word for apocalyptic. maybe the word is catastrophic. for so long the end's been prophesied, monetized, and normalized. really all we ever needed was peace and a wonderful planet to live on.

 In the epilogue of Hope Dies Last he writes about the Book of Joshua, telling of Israel's mythic conquest and settlement of Canaan. 33 cities annihilated, every man woman and child massacred. "This slaughter of innocents is justified because, the Bible says, God wants only Israel to possess the land. For failing to know his supremacy, all others must die."

(Alan Weisman, Hope Dies Last)

 i run through hope dies last. therein lies a lot of scientific possibilities for saving the earth, and some successes, but in the end it comes to two simple things, stopping burning fossil fuel and planting trees, and still the planet will get hotter, and the rivers will dry up and the seas will rise. 

 i don't go this way behind the power station as much now. i won't see charlie on the broken wall again. i see her absence there.

 if everything that happens is normal i guess evil's normal. why can't we get used to it? has it always been like this? and if so why are some like me always shocked by the system? why do we always keep looking for justice?

what next. 

 

 he's a democrat with dementia and a proud die-hard genocidal zionist. 

 trump goes to the saudi palace, to make money blood money, avoiding israhell, ignoring palestine, the bombs still falling on the starving people of palestine.

 the wind is relentless. i only slept a couple hours last night on the afghan carpet. i did a bad thing leaving the windows open in a pesticidal dust storm rising from the exhausted fields. now the dust of the forsaken earth is in our lungs and minds.

 there was a guy in the film ground zero sleeping in a body bag. 

for a long time now it's felt like this is the end, and it just keeps going.

 

it was more than wind. it was supernatural.

 

what do you think is going on?

i think it's turning into something like squid games for real.

it feels like punishment. we're being punished. we're punishing each other. we're punishing ourselves. we're breathing a brutal unceasing wind of toxic dust and genocide. crying now for what's been done. the wind is crying. ghosts of the dead are in the wind.

 reading hope dies last. the same guy who wrote the world without us. this is where we're at, we can't survive ourselves, but somehow we persist in hoping against hope. if we're honest with ourselves we have no hope.

 so now it's d.j. genocide. and wind. endless wind.

 hope against hope. hope dies last. hope and change. beyond hope. 

what the fuck are we doing? this whole project is insane!

 

 no sleep, wind. 

a fifty mile an hour west wind. a dust storm. water in the toilet swaying. swallows flying wildly. olive knocks r.'s moonstone off the table. a fire truck passes slowly on the drive, red lights flashing. angry engines racing behind the museum. 

 nobody's surprised the u.s. lied about opening the way for "humanitarian aid" after the release of the u.s. zionist soldier. hamas knows the u.s. of israhell always lies. maybe they were just tired of keeping the fool alive.

 

give up the funk.

am i banished and why? 

banish is rather hyperbolic. think of it this way, you clawed the lamp, and now you find yourself on the other side.