last night exhaust, sirens, helicopters, this morning birds. eyes itchy, maybe i'm allergic. watched two gates of sleep. reminded me of as i lay dying. excruciating, insane. two brothers push mom in a pine box up a creek to bury her in the woods. 

mom, my mom, talks about dying, wanting to die, angry at my brother. situation also excruciating, insane, untenable. someone has to do something, do it all, get them in a place, get rid of everything, sell the house, and i guess it should be me, but i fold up, i can't imagine it. i have to plan how to make my exit. i haven't planned my life, but i have to plan for death. mom had no plan, has no plan. i think she's a daydreamer like me. she laughed automatically, scared of life. like me. she scares me. and the world, situation inscrutable, excruciating, untenable, insane.