two things that happened and are on my mind are baby james going on a visitation, and talking of shelby being returned to the shelter. i had to go on visitations too, and i had to perform, and i had no skill or training, and i hated fakery, and i was ashamed and drank a lot around dad, even when he was upstairs dying. today i'm free associating on the trauma happening around me and my own is not done. i keep hearing about suicides, and i'm not (but perhaps) looking for stories to hitch onto, but i may be warbling on a gut level i can't verbalize, or only so far, tentatively and peripherally, in here. where is my center, in here? here is all periphery. my old man was shut down too. how can we help, how can we rescue, how can we help ourselves?