still feeling despondent. i don't know if that's the word but i'm too despondent to look it up. it was dark as night this morning and i hustled to the lake and jumped in with mister looking on worried and sure enough it started raining hard and sharp almost like hail and i leapt out and now i'm wet and cold and despondent. i read most of the great derangement last night and that just served as a recognition of maybe why i'm feeling the way i feel, if it is despondent. if i look for a sociological or global, a natural, reason, it is the great derangement that is happening, this culture of mass destruction. i can't just blame dad or obomba, it's a collective, the global village of self-destruction. this ought to lose me a few viewers.
note, this book by amitav ghosh is helpful in looking at why we can't as a culture look at what we're doing in a either a political or artistic way. how isolated in context our consciousness, and how that works for the cause of empire.