i reflect and i walk and i talk to barak obomba's mama about his agoraphobia and how i get mad at him even knowing he suffers like i do and none of us has it quite the way we naturally would. we talked of randomness, of things happening to us undeserved and out of our control. i think it's important we do not stifle ourselves, that we have compassion, suffering together. that we have passion too, and fight for it in a world that crushes freedom from infancy. we could have swum twice this beautiful day and were prevented for no good reason, and that seems a small thing but to a water dog it's the be and all. at one point i thought i suck, i am not even good at this nor am i a good person, i should not exist. but that softened and i had some goodly meetings on the way.