mister fell on the stairs today, i had some blueberry crisps and i had given him one and then i waited for him at the bottom outside the door and i should have been watching him and making sure he was ok or helping him but i wanted him to do it himself if he could but i think he was excited by the treats and slipped, just the last two steps but i felt so sad and i realized when i told r. that i wanted to minimize it because i was scared and i don't want him to fall, i don't want him to get weak and not be able to go anymore and i also don't want to break down crying our loud like i am now. sometimes i actually don't look back because i just want him to catch up beside me. when he does that i get so elated i cheer. but there's been a couple times i turn suddenly like i know he's falling and when i see him i'm almost not sure if he was attempting a roll or if he tripped and he looks at me like he wants me not to worry but he's a little worried and maybe hopes i'll think it was a roll and then he can say yeah, it was just a roll. 

i get so tired in the afternoon. i always did as i recall, but i would start drinking beer before the sunset and bridge the afternoon to night with that hoppy effervescence. i'm not sure how much is body memory, languishing unconscious, and now i don't drink if it is the body memory of a drinker, who needs that drink for a boost of energy, or did it start way before, watching my mom sit in the afternoon light in the kitchen nook grieving the long end of a dead marriage. did i start drinking at 12 or 13? 

i look outside, it's darkening, a soft long cloud and tiny lightning on the western horizon behind, traffic and low thunder, gulls passing, starlings on the fire escape singing the sun down, and somewhere below robins i think. i wish i knew more bird songs.