the feeling of falling short dogs me. did i do ok by mister? i did nothing the trainers say to do. i rely on instinct, but where does that come from, is it steady, reliable? i show up, i care a lot, i do my best. sometimes i'm blank for words, and actions too. sometimes i'm bone tired and can't think, and i go on instinct, but what if instinct blanks out too. in the shower after the training session i felt like my instinct isn't enough, and my brain can't follow training. my natural mode might be lucid daydreaming, but it might not be lucid, sometimes, if i'm anxious, or tired, if i feel disconnected. 
my feet and hands are raw. penny's pacing, yelling, scratching in corners and peeing. it stings to do dishes, and wipe up pee. will i be well again? will i learn the training? will my instinct return? will my instinct learn?