i come to a wall and crumple. i get up hours later and start again. i may be manic or muted but my heart is full. all the time now.

by the swamp a man i knew for years rode on the grass to comment on the air show.  i thought we would commiserate, i thought, a guy who does yoga by the water...he says, you ready for it? i say even on sunday? the lord's day?- well, the wrath of the lord i guess.
don't get me wrong he says, i admire them, the pilot's skills, the beauty of those machines.
but they are machines of death i say. 
and it degenerated from there.
i said we are complicit, it's all of us. he said he doesn't believe in collective guilt
at a point he said, why do you mention trump? why do you have to personalize? what? i say, i did not mention trump. why do you mention trump? are you a supporter?
yes, i am. 
and i felt a body blow to my chest. 
i said how could i have not known? how could i be so ignorant? 
he said i've lost a lot of friends over this.
you must think, why have you lost friends over this? this hate, you support hate, and you wonder why? why do they not love the hater in you? this will be our last conversation, but you must think about why you have lost friends, as you do your yoga and meditate on your great leader. 

we left at 8, it's now 12. it took me that long to calm, and help from eunice and jean, and the healing water. the salient thing we talked of is how the hate is all surfacing, the hate that was underneath, it is breaking forth, it's metastasizing even in people on the lake in yogic pose. we must be engaged. we are not separate. this hate is in us too. we must not give in. 
it's a sick world, the whole planet wants to disgorge this toxic hate. but it must have always been. it must be the human paradigm. and we must make this about loving in the face of the neverending war, the sick violence, the destruction, the hate. me must stay engaged, must communicate about this hate. and we must then love, and make our minds places where hate doesn't rule, where love is grown, and communicate. 

they say the empire is falling, i don't know, it feels like the deferred end is near, but i felt that way long ago, and i don't have much time to speculate. the time is now. it's falling all around us. it won't just fade away, i imagine it will annihilate as many as is possible, it will die a spectacularly violent death, in total war.

but something else will continue.