when i was young i didn't think about growing old. i thought i would simply grow up, and be a grown up, grown. i can see now i'm growing old. still i think about growing up, or i think i prefer not to grow up. i mentioned bartleby the scrivener to two people in the last two days who didn't know of him. the second one said she knew a kid who said, instead of i prefer not, i not. i thought, wow, the kid said it in even fewer words. i prefer not is still a preference for me, but i also often prefer these days. i no longer think it's too late for me, though it's late for organized human existence. be that as it may be, i always felt existential, even as a kid, i always wondered if i'd ever catch on, or catch up. now i see how caught up we can get, whether or not we prefer to be.