today of all days. if that were an isolated phrase. what would it mean? i'm just saying, saying to say, today of all days, i don't know why today.

i'm depressed. i can't connect. i'm even noticing, and r. notices, how mister and i are both walking in our own heads, that he mirrors me. and i get fustrated with his distraction, taking it personally. that causes me to ponder how much i depend on him in my dream state. and how my dreams state can veer from walking meditation to a kind of anomie.

Anomie is a social condition in which there is a disintegration or disappearance of the norms and values that were previously common to the society. The concept, thought of as “normlessness,” was developed by founding sociologist, Emile Durkheim He discovered, through research, that anomie occurs during and follows periods of drastic and rapid changes to the social, economic, or political structures of society.
It is, per Durkheim's view, a transition phase wherein the values and norms common during one period of time are no longer valid, but new ones have not yet evolved to take their place.People who live during periods of anomie typically feel disconnected from their society because they no longer see the norms and values that they hold dear reflected in society itself. This leads to the feeling that one does not belong and is not meaningfully connected to others. For some, this may mean that the role they play (or played) and/or their identity is no longer valued by society. Because of this, anomie can foster the feeling that one lacks purpose, engender hopelessness, and encourage deviance and crime.

hmm... 
Considering the whole of Durkheim's writing on anomie, one can see that he saw it as a breakdown of the ties that bind people together to make a functional society -- a state of social derangement. Periods of anomie are unstable, chaotic, and often rife with conflict because the social force of the norms and values that otherwise provide stability is weakened or missing.

i was thinking of it in terms of my past. not being able to connect. growing up disconnected. though i feel disconnected individually, no one is isolated in reality, and no one is isolated in the past, in a fractured family, without context. context is everything. even in isolation. i'm next to someone, locked in myself. i'm isolated, but i'm not alone. that's my anomie. 
it can blind you to the bigger picture, of the one next to you as well as the society. that was part of the narrative of the ghost dance, how different people joined in or avoided the dance, as both individual and member of the collective. 
i never felt part of society. i felt sometimes part of the dance. i don't quite feel it now. i feel fraught in isolation. and yearning to connect meets frustration. i go to try to write, as i went to books, as a kid when things didn't connect, i went to books, i wrote in my head, i had some counter-narrative that i couldn't name. if i had been part of a social group it may have been the ghost dance, though that would be fraught as well, but so was the white community of suburbia and small town and exurbia, subdivided country. i was missing the social connection along with the interpersonal. i was locked in, and to a sometimes debilitating degree, still am. 

the open question is, will i be influenced by something or someone else, can i emerge and foster and grow connection? i have connected before, generally as a prelude to disconnection and disenchantment. and back to books. will i ever be a part of a society? have a relationship that's abiding? or will i only have my personal ghost dance? the ghost dance grew out of the anomie of the native people in a hostile and alien world. i've always felt the world the way a native would, though i didn't feel the native part, and i was conquered by birth in the conquering tribe.

i try to think, but it's hard doing, and i have to ask your indulgence for my wandering diary.

i wonder how much mister is a product of my anomie.