i never can say goodbye girl 
ooh ooh baby 
i never can say goodbye, no no no, no no no 

 the zionists are shooting people in the back as they evacuate gaza.

 the blur is a privilege. 

-josh rushing

 gazans are humans, just like we are. they want to live. the zionists are shooting children in the head.

 in this world characterized by loss, mister, you're still my best dog.

 the rule of law is colonization. colonization is collapse.

 they're killing the children. they're working to end the existence of the palestinian people. they will kill there, they will kill here. they will kill anywhere and everywhere.

 you will be there but you're already here. my love goes where you go.

 sun for the last walk, but wait, there's one more walk on moonday evening. the time of light through darkness, always, the moon garden. the moving sheltering heart. connection in the time of deliberate destruction. the heart finds its way through the fractured world like water.

 children are being killed. 

 i didn't sleep well last night, i thought about mister, i thought i might have worn him out. three rain walks today with some minutes of sun, and a side ache. now we're down to the last walk. i know i've talked too much about this, with so much else going on, but this is the epicenter of my angst just now. sorry if you're reading it and feeling sorry. it's like the obamachron is the local center of the burning world, losing charlie is the epicenter of the lost world. we don't get to choose our angst i think, it's the way we live, what we need to focus on. charlie's the best and sweetest dog i could wish for, and she's leaving tomorrow. i guess we'll both be ok, but it's the end of us together. 

 Angst “a feeling of dread, anxiety, or anguish” is a borrowing from German, in which the noun is capitalized, from Old High German angust. If you are wondering whether angst is related to anxiety and anguish, your suspicion is correct; all three words ultimately derive from a Proto-Indo-European root, angh- “tight, painful,” which is the source of numerous pain-related terms beginning with ag-, ang-, or anx-. From Old English, derivatives include hangnail (originally agnail, but altered by association with hang). Via Old Norse angr “sorrow, grief,” English has borrowed anger. Through Latin angere “to strangle” (stem anx-) and angustus “narrow,” we have anxiety and anguish. Last, from Ancient Greek anchónē “strangling,” English has inherited angina “an attack of painful spasms.” Angst was first recorded in English in the 1840s.

 the first torpid dragonfly rescue attempt.

 telling catherine charlie's being re-homed.

 government thugs in masks are disappearing people. people are being killed in concentration camps. 

no matter how hard it rains, or how sad i am, or how evil this country gets, she always lifts my spirits up.

 

 angst. the word of the day.

 cory booker emitted words for twenty-five hours without mentioning the united states zionist genocide in palestine. that's quite a fiat.

yes, the government will kill citizens.

 

 it's an excellent day for reading with olive palestine in bed, but i shall happily walk my honey girl charlie in the rain.

 another day of angst in paradise. it's ok and sane to feel the angst that's in the air, as we feel the air, the wind the sun and rain. it's sane to feel the anguish of a world ruled and oppressed and destroyed by psychopaths. because we know the paradise this was, and despite the brutal rulers, still is.

 we've heard that before, that the jews were responsible for their own genocide, like they say of the palestinians now. the narrative of the death cult. 

 can you feel the spinning? listen to the thunder. the clanking machine, where is it? sirens in the rain. seagulls crying. starlings sheltering, no kestrels, no crows. the parents have gone insane. here we go again. 

       the important thing is not to be understood but to understand.

 it's galling when someone says try harder, your angst is hurting me, when you know how hard you try. anyway, my angst is my own, to share as i will, as is everyone's. people who are hurt by someone else's angst are most probably hurt by their own. i understand the wish to exteriorize. angst is not easy. and it's endemic to the human condition in the built world. though angst can be a focused and sane response to a culture of insanity.

 i thought about it. charlie leaving is the end of something. something else will happen, but not this. the light she brings to people's eyes. the joy. i have to feel this. this time is full of loss, and some can't understand how i can let her go. i used to say when i was frustrated with something i couldn't change, she's not my dog. she's her own dog, as r. says. there's more going on here than i can explain. i may understand more in time. now i have to trust, and let go. if my friend wasn't getting her i'd feel more bereft, but i know she will be happy. 

 two days and three walks left. charlie stops on every flight of stairs for a kiss and a hug. 

She sang Lili Marlene. 

In front of the barracks, in front of the big gate

There's a lantern and it's still in front of it

We want to see each other there again
We want to stand by the lantern

Like before, Lili Marlene
Like before, Lili Marlene

Our two shadows looked like one

You could see straight away that we loved each other

And everyone should see it
When we stand by the lantern

Like before, Lili Marlene
Like before, Lili Marlene

She knows your steps, your beautiful walk

She burns every evening, but she forgot me for a long time

And should harm happen to me
Who will stand by the lantern

With you, Lili Marlene?
With you, Lili Marlene?

From the silent space from the ground of the earth

Your loving mouth lifts as if in a dream

When the late mists turn
Who will stand by the lantern?

With you, Lili Marlene?
With you, Lili Marlene?

When the late mists turn

Who will stand by the lantern?

With you, Lili Marlene?
With you, Lili Marlene?

r. stayed with t. for several hours yesterday until dinner time, and someone asked her where she's from. she doesn't know.some thought she was moving in a week ago, others didn't know when. one guy came in and said oh, i thought this room was vacant. somebody contacted k. in l.a. as the contact person for t. they did put blinds in after the move-in. maybe they'll put a shower curtain in today. it's not particular to any place, it's the whole of society in breakdown. we just have to keep our wits if possible and make the best of it.

she remembers her cats when she was 11. she had to leave them behind. she cries. she remembers some things she can't forget. 

 lulu, my palestina, the shredded flag in the window across the train tracks has disappeared. i hope that doesn't mean all hope is lost. in this captured country people are disappearing too.

 i'm not speaking about it out loud, lena, i don't want to cry about it, but charlie's moving out of the neighborhood. we're now moving into a new phase planetarily.

 

 no one can know for you, you have to know yourself. when charlie came back from the weekend at her new home she was sweet and calm and she was not at all anxious about the change. she knows. she's a confident soul now. that helps me to make the change. i feel the sadness and will miss her dearly but i feel happy to share her with the world, as i felt on every walk. she knows i was her walker, and i'm here for her. she's a realist, like i want to be, and am becoming, gradually, due largely to the good influence of the dog realm. we helped each other to be ourselves in the world and the community. on the path of heart we continue each other.

    a destabilized earth system with diminishing room for human agency.