this morning he was laying on the floor so still r. thought he died. he hasn't jumped on the table like usual. but he jumped into his wine box, and he jumped up on the plastic tub in the closet. a little more time, please.

 penny and jasper, sunday afternoon.

 it feels so strange to schedule death. he's just sleeping. he's so peaceful. he's still here. i wish he could just keep sleeping. 

 in the film happy hour an artist balances objects on a beach and people in a workshop, but he can't balance himself, and the objects and the people fall down. the film is excruciating, like life, but like life, you want to see where it goes, where it might have gone, where it went. afterward i dreamed of someone i never dreamed of. a visit. the characters want to be simple and happy and are painfully complex. i read about chiron and kairos, inexorable time and process by crisis. it can be hard to fall, and remember falling, but it's good to be visited in dreams, and to get up again.

 juju nestled in his wine box, peaceful. if he's in pain he's calm with it. today we'll observe juju. soon we'll look at the spaces he filled and feel his presence in his absence. we'll cry when we miss him and when we wish he was still here. we'll cry before he goes and celebrate him here. 

 the clouds were hanging low like dirigibles, we got pie and cakes, teas and baby food for juju. rain and tears. 

yesterday was dark, i was exhausted. we watched the last half of happy hour, and it was painful, excruciating. then it infiltrated my dreams and i realized how profound it was. 

it may be time for juju. he's eating baby food, but then he just lays on the crumpled packing paper. he doesn't jump on the table or get in his boxes anymore. 

 i wish i could sleep like a cat. 

 

 

i feel anxious now, and i think i've been anxious since i was a kid.

i've tried to comfort myself with books, and various things, but i can only quell the anxiety for a while. 

i wonder if i'll ever find peace. 

 i get anxious when i try to take a nap, i don't know why. lucky cats nap so easily. did i have naps when i was a kid? i could ask mom, but i don't think she's a reliable source on my childhood. when did i get anxious? i get sad and anxious when i get tired or hungry. this stuff started early i'm sure because i can't recall a time before anxious time. maybe i was born this way. 

 if mind was moss we could go dormant and wait til the time was right.

i wish i could stop the clock on the obamachron, but i can't. no one can. i feel silly taking so many pictures of the stupid thing, but it's impossible to ignore. i wonder how long i'll keep it up.

i'm gonna try to limit it to one shot a day with the date. i know i've said more than enough.

 i got baby food and green juju and the books saving time and garden time and this is not miami at the library. now we're all set, now we're ready for the second half of happy hour (the movie).

 when i went to the bathroom in the night he came to ask me to go to the kitchen and get him something to eat so i fed him some fish flakes and leftover fancy feast and when i got up again before dawn to go to the bathroom again he came in again and we went in again and did it again and then i made some coffee and watched the sunrise and a tennis match in madrid and read the lichen museum and then r. got up to go birding and juju got in the bath to sleep and now i think i will ride to the library and get juju some baby food and green juju treats. 

 i got up too early. i flip the sunrise lagoon.

the lichen museum aims to lichenize humans, not to anthropomorphize lichens.

a. laurie palmer, 

the lichen museum

 near eclipse.

Everybody talks about a new world in the morning. A new world in the morning so they say.
I, myself don't talk about a new world in the morning. A new world in the morning, that's today.

Roger Whittaker

 lulu chomping a bone looks like a cartoon of her dad chomping a cigar. 

 you don't have to photograph me every day doug. i know i didn't photograph you today this is an old photograph.

 i get a natural high from charlie's social life. what a way with people this kid has. it's an infusion of sunshine. 

 charlie in bluebells. 

 bone tree falulu.

 thistleface.

 word of the day, skulduggery.

 i'm trying to get the kid juju to eat. maybe if we go back to the throne, but no. maybe his body is winding down and doesn't want more food. his mind wants more, but his body wants less. still i have to try. i don't want him to die.

 the empire of the oligarchs doesn't have to win, it has to end. 

 the tide of fascism is rising even as the dominant narrative sinks.

 all is one is not just a soap slogan.

 emergence is not the same as progress in the modernist sense; obviously, not all that emerges is "good" and not all that is created sticks around.

a. laurie palmer, evolutionary time, lichen time, the lichen museum

 Know that the “hill and valley” experience is built into the evolution of human consciousness, both individually and collectively considered.

 See things in longer units of time, which is the prerogative of the soul.

 we survive you, too.

 i have to get a real i.d. and i don't even know if i can prove i'm me.

 the other thing i was thinking, how long have we been here?

 um, hi y'all, what are we waiting for?

 hi guys, what are we waiting for?

 of course you are imagining everything.

 is it my imagination, or am i feeling the ill-effect of obama's megadevelopment?

 waaahhhh!