reading begin again. i read caste. this is a different thing. it's hard to read about race. it feels so inextricable and constructed. you wish it was never invented but it was and will not go away and it's so corrupting and tied up with money and power. it makes me sick to think about this country but i have to. i think thinking about race might not make it better but it might help introduce love. baldwin abhored the falsity of race constructs and kept integrating the idea of love as the only hope or antidote. i believe that, but love's hard too in this racist place.