it's humiliating when my instincts don't work in reality. i suffer then and feel like i don't know shit. and it's embarrassing that other times i think i'm pretty intuitive and smart. after pride comes humility.
my brain has been shaped this way. can i change the shape of my brain? whatever, as always i lack discipline yet i want the dogs to respond to my lack of discipline in a disciplined way. 
knowing full whatever skills i have are improvised and the situation is always changing.
last time i had a lulu meltdown i said maybe she's a leash dog and always will be, then i lit on the idea that she has to play and the ball will keep her close and engaged. it works until i throw the ball in the wetland and it sinks and she can't get it back and she will not leave it and it's too deep for my boots. this is boring i'm just flushed with cortisol, all i need in a pandemic right, and trying to ease my heart. so i get upset and sit down and she comes then runs back repeatedly then poops and dashes through the train tunnel to the other side and i hear a squeal and by the time i reach the other side she's waiting for me to perhaps begin the chase again. her brain is shaped by catch me if you can play, not come. i know that yet still imagine it's different with me, and it is but only to a degree, and conditionally. the final shame is getting angry when she just acted naturally. 
now i'll get the longer boots because the water will likely continue to rise in obombaland it's already too high for my boots, and i'll get that ball, or another one of mister's, he has many and i found most of them, and i will have two balls next time in case one gets lost. i can't train her with a 5 hours a week even if i was a trainer to do what she doesn't do the other 163. sorry to bore you, i'm such a skinny white honky old fool.