i used to eat so poorly, particularly when i drank, i craved the most toxic foods.

when i think back, the time with geraldine, i was not sober, and not at all clear in relationship. part of the feeling now is i wish i could talk to people clearly about my muddled times.

it's like i was not myself. 

now i don't think all the time i'm sober i am but it's more that i'm not drunk. i don't mark the time, never had a milestone, i don't even know what year it was, but time is utterly different now, time is changed. i don't know what it means but it's apparent in the way i feel and can't explain. time's changed for everyone, too.

i wish sometimes i could go to the person i muddled with before (maybe it seemed like i meddled) and be clear, but that may just be my ego talking, like look at me now! that's the way i felt about a girl who spurned me for a guy with cocaine and came to the record store to make amends for her 12 steps. i was like embarrassed and pissed, it was clearly all about her sobriety, not me, i was just a step away.