going back to the dawn of civilization, this morning. i have been in suspended animation today, my brain. would that i could think more clearly better, it seems urgent. that's probably just vanity. if it was the end of civilized life what could i do. answer nothing. though the guy who wrote buddha's brain says i can retrain my brain, idle know, the truth is i rather like being lazy until it causes me pain and suffering. this pandemic is killing a lot of us and unfortunately few billionaires. but whatevs. i go back to dawn and think whelp something had to happen and it's regrettable again the poor and the indigenous and non-white people pay. anyway it seems there are only contingencies and digressions. i'm not sure about intentionality. i can overcome my inertia though i have to be patient with myself i'm doing my best even if lazily i have to trust that i know i don't retain the science and politics slay me every time. some things in the book i already do: slow down, talk less, one thing at a time, simplify your life, give up lesser pleasures for greater ones (i have to think on that one), stay awake and alert (huh, that's a tenuous proposition). i'm going to leave it here, i keep digressing from the book and jotting things. is this annoying? i would love to be like this guy that has an intentional living farm who does not like charismatic leaders and cultivates a circle of calm at the center instead. but really i'm just me.