i was wondering about gender fluidity. i think about flow and anger and getting stuck. i always envied girls i think, though i know how hard it is for girls and certain boys in the patriarchy. my dad and his brother were so fierce in their opposition and neither one felt authentic. they seemed to act out parts determined by family and society. we were texting about someone who's shifting, girl to boy, and i feel so ignorant. i can understand the fluidity of gender but the physical aspects bewilder me. refers to self as they, either eliminating gender specifics or suggesting multiple personage. bear with me i say, mostly to myself. i once called a girl man knowing it was not the right thing and then backpedaled and said i mean like dude you know, girls call girls dude, but i turned red, stupid-stupid! i said. but it is all bewildering to me i admit. i'm smart in some ways about some things, but other things, i'm lost. i always wanted to know how it feels to be a girl. i like girls and i want to know how they feel, but i didn't ever imagine changing into a girl. i just want to know you know. i don't want to be ignorant, i want to feel. i'm writing too fast. i have to pee and the cats are yelling. but i want to finish this. i said to s.—i understand the wish for fluidity. (yet i wonder how fluid i can be). if i was born later i wonder how much more fluid i'd be. i wonder also if due to the changes in the chemistry of the planet, overpopulation, extinction etc, if the human species is undergoing a radical change, less about production, more about fluidity and imagination.
is it just that we are tired of pretending to be simpler than we feel?