i saw mister old today. i cried out inside and whispered to him please be alright. his eyes looked dull, he was shuffling behind me, trailing my dragging heart string. something i know is happening i don't want to see. dogs don't have a long gradual old age. they seem to get old suddenly. i see the changes, i see the deepening and extending soul, the lightening coat, i see the way he lights in passing peoples' eyes. but i just can't think about him dying.  
i suppose a human is supposed to feel more the loss of humans, but humans seem a more foreign species to me. i mourn them more intellectually, less viscerally. but i haven't gotten as close to a dog like mister before. the last time was bigs, and in my homeless wandering time i left him. i'm older now, and close to home, my wandering done, and i could never imagine leaving him, or him me, except in dying. he went to the vetrinarian this afternoon. i haven't heard any bad news. please be ok.  next week he comes to stay with me. please be ok.  
i'm so glad when we have time to live together. i'm very afraid of missing him. there are so many heartbreaks in this world now. so many travails he has helped me to live with. i'm lucky i have r. and young lulu. but there won't be anyone again like mister.  
losing mister will be a most devastating thing.