it's horrible what happens to our bodies. mister has 4 pathogens, and another antibiotic that may or may not work. i know despair probably exacerbates everything, but i feel terror  for my body. what if the system is too attenuated, too inundated. what if my life becomes a complex host, under occupation, taken over. what if i can't be well again. i know there are illnesses that are chronic, so there are chronic people. mister has lived through many ills, but the ills keep coming. when do bodies turn chronic and live life in perpetual imbalance, just keeping on, unable to return to the equilibrium of health. i just saw that movie chronic, what a sad movie.
this is no good for anyone, i know, especially loved ones who want to help and feel you falling into despair. maybe despair is just neurosis. how much suffering do we create. the good thing about mister is he may suffer, but he doesn't suffer the future, like i do. i want to be there, in the presence that needs no faith and lives content in what is.