i wake late after waking at 2. brought low by a fungus that now controls me. i try to cooperate but it gets me down, you know. now i have an ugly haircut too. blame is mine. now i look like an inmate in the fungus house of corrections. feeling incorrect, corrupted, not corrected. i'm lucky this affliction happened now with r. i don't know how i'd have managed alone. if only i can glean the reason, if reason even pertains in this insane paradigm, i'd feel better. if there was a reason. i'd be a little reasonable about it.

i mean i know the cause, and i know i'm the agent of the cause, i made the case, i invited the fungus  occupation, but i don't know the reason. all the time i act as if i can do things my own way, and i have gotten by so to speak by the skin of my teeth, whatever that means, and maybe that's the simple reason when i get stopped, or stultified, in my tracks, you can't just go your own way: others are involved at every step, even the fungi on your body behaving themselves because you keep yourself dry and sleep and eat well, even the animals and people you love.