memoryful

i tried to whistle the sound of music to r. but her recording machine said memory full. i said to l.w. don't you remember? (i don't even remember now what she didn't remember), and she said, i had brain surgery! oh, i remember you said that, but i thought it was a while ago. it was august, she said. i acted nonchalant. but i was creeping under my toe shoes. i felt like a heel.

i think about memory a lot, and it doesn't help me remember stuff, but it familiarizes me and causes me to reflect on lost things. funny, i usually don't miss things once their gone, but i'm imbued with lost things. they linger even when forgotten. i think about why we remember some things, like humiliations, if you want to remember, always remember to humiliate yourself. you never forget that way. 
i remember this way too, like it flows you know, i dont have to try, i just do, and if i ever want i can return and the diary remembers, but i don't, because it does, and it will be forgot and disappear too.

r.'s telephonic memory machine is so full it cant record a single new memory, not even a little whistle. i have to tell her that and maybe make a little space, a little whistle is easy on the memory.