there's so many preoccupations now, but everything stops somewhere, when the preoccupations recede into background. mister is in trouble. i noticed yesterday when he was following slowly behind me something wasn't right. he often follows and lingers to engage me i think and pull me out of my preoccupations. i'm still here. and i take note, and linger too. but last night he had a hard time moving, and this morning i had to carry him out to pee. he barely was able to lift a leg and then just looked at me, sat down, closed his eyes, and i carried him back in. i carried him to his bowl, he couldn't eat from it. i fed him pieces of apple and carrot and pumpkin kibble from my cupped hand. now he's laying next to me. in a few minutes i'll carry him to the car to see the vet. he's been through many crises, and each one feels like the end to me. over and over i've wished to be a healer, and it's funny because i can barely take care of me. more resource would be needed. more fortitude, light, and strength. and these are parlous, perilous times, and everyone is depleted. we must be drawing healing from somewhere just to stay sane and alive, it seems. but healing? is it beyond me? i sometimes do think we get what we need even though it feels like we never have enough. mister needed me, and i needed mister equally. but we are sorely tried in this hard world, and we are weak. we hold each other together, but how long?