the cats are back. i haven't done any pictures yet. they've eaten and we're settling in together. they're just roaming around surveying the apartment after the long hiatus with grandma. grandma left today. i was a little anxious about taking care of them but i'm glad to see them and i think it will be ok. they came round to me directly. this is my friends cat. he came all the way back from his sister in oak park to bring her outside and then go straight back. what a sweet and lucky cat. i hope humans can be as good to fellow humans as he is to his cat. i hope i can be, but it's easier with pets. we can't regard fellow humans as pets. humans are far too complicated. i don't have friends i see anywhere near as much as pets. most of my friends are no longer friends. that happens, but other people i know do have longtime friends. i'm a loner, and i guess i can't understand how friendship works, or intimacy maybe. it's hard to fathom. my dad had high school friends for life. i don't know anyone from high school now. i saw a documentary about a hermit and i could imagine myself that way, but it was sordid. i need humans, but i don't know, in passing, i'm distant in proximity. i was a hermit in my studio. i thought i would stay there until something happened, and it did, but i wonder, what would become of me if i had stayed. i go by once every couple weeks now, and it seems a strange, unsettlingly familiar place. it's hard to breathe there and i leave almost immediately after feeling sad about my dead plants and the dirt i left behind. it almost seems there is more than my dirt, as if someone else lived or lives there also. jasper cat is investigating everything. i think he's glad to be home. i think he likes me. ok i'm rambling. i don't know why i say the things i do and i feel embarrassed at times, but also a certain relief. a blog is a funny thing.