Monday, September 9, 2019

feel dim, tense, scared, like how am i going to handle this place, especially if others are dim, tense and scared like me, does that increase the volatility. there's a malevolence underlying society. on some days it's gentle anyway. then we can relax, but are we ever truly relaxed in this malevolent society? so much deadly force, and not just the military police or insane citizens, so much deadly force moving through the streets.
when anxious we may look for trouble spots and even precipitate trouble. can we precipitate calm when we feel dim and tense? maybe if we go gently and no trouble comes our way. there are times when i feel anxious and the water eases my anxiety. it was too rough for mister today. he was also rather dim, though not tense. if i just focus on him sometimes my tension eases. today i had to shepherd him and i wanted him to shepherd me. i can understand why people want to believe in a benevolent beatific shepherd to support and guide them.
part of my mental picture today is informed by a friend getting hit by a car yesterday. every time i hear of a pedestrian or cyclist being hit i feel even more vulnerable than usual. he seems ok today thankfully. the key is to allow things into awareness and not anticipate too much, but to be vigilant to danger, and see the way clearly, around, or through, the complicated scene.

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