sometimes i wish i could just stop everything and just sit in a window looking out and watching it all go down. would i still feel like a jerk if i did nothing at all? it stuns me that i could have lived so long being so ill-adapted to the world and in communication with fellow beings. how did i live? one thing; i've been with dogs for so long, yet i have no game, i'm clueless with a puppy. this sounds absurd, and it is, but really it's true at least in my mind that i wish i could stop everything, go into suspended animation, except for sight, so i could just watch how everything unfolds without me. you can't do that, you have to be in it, but so much of it i don't want to be in. it's a fruitless thing to wish there was another world.